Below this line is something I wrote quite a while back, still not sure how it ever came to be. I wasn't going to ever post it, but I also couldn't quite bring myself to erase it. But now, I give up. I tried masking my feelings, pretending I'm ok with things as they are. But now, the ruse is up and I have to let the truth come out. I'm not brave or strong enough to just tell you this in person, so I'm posting it here. I accept the consequences of letting this come to light- you deserve to know how I feel even though it might hurt you or me or both. I only hope that you will forgive me and, if you don't feel the same, that you'll please, please let me stay your friend. Since I wrote this, I've thought about it a lot. I'm now positive I still really like you. I'm not sure I love you like I thought I did before, but I do know that, given a chance- despite using them all up already- I'd give us another shot.
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I don't really have anywhere to put this, but I feel compelled to try writing it so I'm putting it here. Not like anyone will ever see it, so I have nothing to fear. If I really think abut it, this is where it belongs anyway. I don't write songs or poems or whatever (as my writing below testifies), so the fact I'm writing this is practically real, solid proof of paranormal forces on Earth.I remember first seeing you, in a group encircled in a field,
You were just another face, and my mask was tightly sealed.
The day was a new start, a new place for me to try and hide.
No one there could ever know me, they couldn't know the dark inside.
But much to my surprise, as the weeks of classes melted by,
It became harder to resist- more and more you caught my eye.
Then finally one day, despite a wish to alone remain,
You asked me to socialize- strange forces made me not abstain.
Whatever happened to the past?
Why didn't our together last?
I had to fall and let you go,
Lose control, be my own foe.
Now is seems that you've moved on,
While I'm still stuck on "you're the one."
Early in our exchange, it seemed we were doomed to fail.
You had history of your own, your heart was currently not for sale.
But later that very week, our hands linked us together.
My mask began to crack, a heavy heart turned into a feather.
It was like a flood from there, unstoppable and fast.
Our first kiss, your eyes, our hugs- I began to hope it all would last.
It seemed your felt the same, so I plunged into "I love you."
And as I held my breath, I heard your voice say "I love you too."
Whatever happened to the past?
Why didn't our together last?
I had to fall and let you go,
Lose control, be my own foe.
Now is seems that you've moved on,
While I'm still stuck on "you're the one."
To truly warm up to you enough, and tell my previous life of guile.
Yet somehow you forgave me, then my heart turned forever yours.
It went into your possession, while I put yours in treasured stores.
Then, while us two were together, another two we knew fell apart.
I didn't know it at the time, but their parting was (for us) the start
Of the end of all my happiness- you saw a gem you thought you'd like
So you confessed your second thoughts, and enraged I cried "take a hike."
Whatever happened to the past?
Why didn't our together last?
I had to fall and let you go,
Lose control, be my own foe.
Now is seems that you've moved on,
While I'm still stuck on "you're the one."
We both averted our eyes, afraid a look would incite bloodbaths.
I realized my fault in our past, and so resolved to make amends,
So swallowing my pride, I approached and asked to be new friends.
You once again accepted me, we started our new tentative bond.
You and he seemed pretty well off, of him you were extremely fond.
But in an unexpected turn, turned out what happened to us could hit twice.
Roles were this time reversed, twas your turn to pay the tormenting price.
Can past feelings come back so fast?
Why didn't the two of you last?
He let you fall, he let you go,
And here I am, still my own foe.
Cause it still seems you're able to move on,
While 'gainst my will, I still feel "you're the one."
To the One in my story (I can't call it song),
I was not expecting this. I was so sure that I had been wrong about you. I was certain you and I had somehow been some fluke, a mistake, but now...I honestly don't know. Were our feelings really true? I was positive mine were, but then you seemed to change your mind, so I figured I must have somehow been mistaken. In an effort to end my pain, I tried to bury my heart, my love, somewhere even I couldn't find it, but now it seems I may have never had my heart back to bury. I think you somehow kept it all this time without my noticing. But I just can't be sure- I don't know if I just hid my feelings since this semester began, regained them over time, or don't really feel the way I think I do at all and am just wishing for things lost. But really, does it even matter how I feel at all?
Am I really so hopeless that I'd even entertain the idea of you coming back now? DO I really want you back like I think I do? I don't know. I missed my chance, I gave you up. I have zero right to even think about "us" anymore. And yet, after all that's happened, I can't shake the feeling you and I should be together. Despite this, I realized you were free to be with another, that I couldn't keep you against your will. So I let another have you. After he dropped you, I wanted nothing more than to comfort you, do all I could to make everything okay again, but it wasn't my place anymore. I could do nothing but watch and listen, frustrated that you were hurt and that I was partially to blame. I freaked out and ran away, ruining everything and starting the chain that led to your suffering.
But my wish to comfort you was unnecessary anyway- you didn't need me, instead you healed on your own. You moved on, both from him and from me. And now I'm here, feeling confused and lost. Did I make a terrible mistake when I let you go? Because despite everything that's happened, I still like you a lot- problem is, I can't tell for sure if I should anymore. And it doesn't matter anyway- whether I still love or care about you or whatever, it's a realization that comes too late.
I suppose the real question is...Do third chances exist? Somehow, I fear the answer is no, and my chances are all used up. But, regardless of whether chances still exist or not, I can't risk trying to find out. You mean too much to me to chance losing you completely by scaring you away or hurting you again. I do, at the very least, want you to be happy and loved, even if I'm not the one responsible for either. So I'll keep ignoring these feelings and just stay your best friend, doing what I can. If it means I have to keep lying about my feelings, so be it. I miss the old us, but I'll stick to the us I still somehow have, and be grateful I even have this much.
Your Best Friend,
--Masked Again
