DO NOT POST

Below this line is something I wrote quite a while back, still not sure how it ever came to be. I wasn't going to ever post it, but I also couldn't quite bring myself to erase it. But now, I give up. I tried masking my feelings, pretending I'm ok with things as they are. But now, the ruse is up and I have to let the truth come out. I'm not brave or strong enough to just tell you this in person, so I'm posting it here. I accept the consequences of letting this come to light- you deserve to know how I feel even though it might hurt you or me or both. I only hope that you will forgive me and, if you don't feel the same, that you'll please, please let me stay your friend. Since I wrote this, I've thought about it a lot. I'm now positive I still really like you. I'm not sure I love you like I thought I did before, but I do know that, given a chance- despite using them all up already- I'd give us another shot.

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I don't really have anywhere to put this, but I feel compelled to try writing it so I'm putting it here. Not like anyone will ever see it, so I have nothing to fear. If I really think abut it, this is where it belongs anyway. I don't write songs or poems or whatever (as my writing below testifies), so the fact I'm writing this is practically real, solid proof of paranormal forces on Earth.

I remember first seeing you, in a group encircled in a field,
You were just another face, and my mask was tightly sealed.
The day was a new start, a new place for me to try and hide.
No one there could ever know me, they couldn't know the dark inside.
But much to my surprise, as the weeks of classes melted by,
It became harder to resist- more and more you caught my eye.
Then finally one day, despite a wish to alone remain,
You asked me to socialize- strange forces made me not abstain.

Whatever happened to the past?
Why didn't our together last?
I had to fall and let you go,
Lose control, be my own foe.
Now is seems that you've moved on,
While I'm still stuck on "you're the one."

Early in our exchange, it seemed we were doomed to fail.
You had history of your own, your heart was currently not for sale.
But later that very week, our hands linked us together.
My mask began to crack, a heavy heart turned into a feather.
It was like a flood from there, unstoppable and fast.
Our first kiss, your eyes, our hugs- I began to hope it all would last.
It seemed your felt the same, so I plunged into "I love you."
And as I held my breath, I heard your voice say "I love you too."

Whatever happened to the past?
Why didn't our together last?
I had to fall and let you go,
Lose control, be my own foe.
Now is seems that you've moved on,
While I'm still stuck on "you're the one."

We told each other everything, though it took me a little while
To truly warm up to you enough, and tell my previous life of guile.
Yet somehow you forgave me, then my heart turned forever yours.
It went into your possession, while I put yours in treasured stores.
Then, while us two were together, another two we knew fell apart.
I didn't know it at the time, but their parting was (for us) the start
Of the end of all my happiness- you saw a gem you thought you'd like
So you confessed your second thoughts, and enraged I cried "take a hike."

Whatever happened to the past?
Why didn't our together last?
I had to fall and let you go,
Lose control, be my own foe.
Now is seems that you've moved on,
While I'm still stuck on "you're the one."

After weeks of tears and pain, the time came for us to recross paths.
We both averted our eyes, afraid a look would incite bloodbaths.
I realized my fault in our past, and so resolved  to make amends,
So swallowing my pride, I approached and asked to be new friends.
You once again accepted me, we started our new tentative bond.
You and he seemed pretty well off, of him you were extremely fond.
But in an unexpected turn, turned out what happened to us could hit twice.
Roles were this time reversed, twas your turn to pay the tormenting price.

Can past feelings come back so fast?
Why didn't the two of you last?
He let you fall, he let you go,
And here I am, still my own foe.
Cause it still seems you're able to move on,
While 'gainst my will, I still feel "you're the one."

To the One in my story (I can't call it song),
I was not expecting this. I was so sure that I had been wrong about you. I was certain you and I had somehow been some fluke, a mistake, but now...I honestly don't know. Were our feelings really true? I was positive mine were, but then you seemed to change your mind, so I figured I must have somehow been mistaken. In an effort to end my pain, I tried to bury my heart, my love, somewhere even I couldn't find it, but now it seems I may have never had my heart back to bury. I think you somehow kept it all this time without my noticing. But I just can't be sure- I don't know if I just hid my feelings since this semester began, regained them over time, or don't really feel the way I think I do at all and am just wishing for things lost. But really, does it even matter how I feel at all?

Am I really so hopeless that I'd even entertain the idea of you coming back now? DO I really want you back like I think I do? I don't know. I missed my chance, I gave you up. I have zero right to even think about "us" anymore. And yet, after all that's happened, I can't shake the feeling you and I should be together. Despite this, I realized you were free to be with another, that I couldn't keep you against your will. So I let another have you. After he dropped you, I wanted nothing more than to comfort you, do all I could to make everything okay again, but it wasn't my place anymore. I could do nothing but watch and listen, frustrated that you were hurt and that I was partially to blame. I freaked out and ran away, ruining everything and starting the chain that led to your suffering.

But my wish to comfort you was unnecessary anyway- you didn't need me, instead you healed on your own. You moved on, both from him and from me. And now I'm here, feeling confused and lost. Did I make a terrible mistake when I let you go? Because despite everything that's happened, I still like you a lot- problem is, I can't tell for sure if I should anymore. And it doesn't matter anyway- whether I still love or care about you or whatever, it's a realization that comes too late.

I suppose the real question is...Do third chances exist? Somehow, I fear the answer is no, and my chances are all used up. But, regardless of whether chances still exist or not, I can't risk trying to find out. You mean too much to me to chance losing you completely by scaring you away or hurting you again. I do, at the very least, want you to be happy and loved, even if I'm not the one responsible for either. So I'll keep ignoring these feelings and just stay your best friend, doing what I can. If it means I have to keep lying about my feelings, so be it. I miss the old us, but I'll stick to the us I still somehow have, and be grateful I even have this much.

Your Best Friend,
--Masked Again

Utter, Abject Failure

I'm back. Yeah, last post sounded like I wouldn't be posting anymore, but here I am. Of course, considering our total views here at BYUPI are pathetically low and our highest readership is apparently some random guys in Europe, I've pretty much confirmed that no-one's reading these anyway (except you, random European guys- Stay awesome). The unknown readers I DO have are silent (and reside in foreign lands), so with that in mind, I'm secure in writing this post, mostly as a way to sort out my thoughts. And man, do I need to sort them out today.

In one of my classes, we were talking about Alma and the "seed" experiment- that if you give something a chance and it begins to grow, and is pleasant and strengthening, it is a good seed and should be nurtured. Specifically, we talked abut how this applies to more than just the Spirit of God and how it goes for anything else as well.

"Well, Gee," my depressed mind thought- once again getting away from my hold on it and allowing dark despair to swirl within- "That sounds a lot like something that happened last semester. As I recall, I gave someone a chance, went out of my comfort zone and got to know them, even started to hang out with them, and what happened? I made the greatest and closest friend I'd ever had, experienced love for the first time, had some of the best, most amazing, funnest times, and- perhaps most importantly- received the strength I needed to overcome several of my faults and made myself a much better person, free from darkness...Only to have that friend and love torn away, experiences soured, and ability to remain free severely questioned. So much for good seeds."

Such was my line of thought, until suddenly, it hit me. No, she wasn't TORN away, she was PUSHED. The experiences were just as great now as they were when they actually happened, I was just spoiling them MYSELF. Furthermore, my ability to stay above darkness is STILL STANDING, an exclamation point instead of a question.

I am such a fool. I told you all in the last post to stay away from Depression, to never confront it. But I created my Depression! Like Frankenstein before me, I was the mastermind of my own horrors. How? How did I let this happen? I had an amazing, wonderful, glorious seed growing, and I burned it to the roots and salted the ground.

I see now that my actions- or rather, reactions- towards her were completely wrong. I told her to leave me alone, to never talk to me again, when I should have been happy for her! She found something better, something she really wanted, and instead of accepting that my greatest friend, my closest companion and confidant, a person I wanted to be happy above any other things, was making a choice that would allow her to do just that, I allowed jealousy and personal greed to corrupt my decisions. I clung to her and tried to keep her all to myself  and when that didn't work, I tore her out of my life and threw her as far as I could, not knowing she would take most of my insides with her.

Oh, how I deeply regret that now.

Why should it matter who she's with? She was an amazing, wonderful friend, someone I drew great pleasure from just by being around, before we got together. Couldn't I have still enjoyed being her friend if she was with someone else at the time? At least we would be there for each other still. Now I have no one at all except an unread blog, and who knows how she's doing now? For all I know, she's just as depressed and alone as I am, and it would be my fault if she was. That, more than any of my other realizations today, hurts most. Have I wrecked more than one life through my greed? It's quite likely, the more I think about it.

If only I could go back to when she told me about him. I should have smiled, put my arm around her shoulder, and said "Ok. If that's what will make you happy, go for it. I'm still your friend." Dang it all to heck!  All our drama, our separation, our current situation, could have been avoided, and I would still have the best thing that happened in my life with me today. Instead, I clammed up and ran off in a huff, beginning a chain of events that have succeeded in doing nothing but cause everyone I cared about last semester a bunch of pain.

The worst part? I can't explain this to her, can't make amends and try to at least be civil to each other. We can't just start over as acquaintances, because now she won't speak to me- she won't even look at me. My chance to set things right and save our friendship blew up over Christmas Break, when once again, yours truly threw a fit and shut her out. She either can't or won't forgive me, and I have no way of telling her how sorry I am until she does. There is a wall of fire and ice constantly between us.

I miss her. Not our relationship, but HER. I know we can't be what we were anymore, not after all that I've done and her obviously wanting someone better than me, but I wish, with all my heart, that we could just be friends again. I can look back and see all the close friends I've had in my life because I can count them on two hands, and put side by side, I know she was by far the best. Why did I give that up, when such a friend is worth far more than a girlfriend?

I don't know what to do. Please, ANYONE, European or otherwise, what can I do? I can't trust my own perceptions anymore- I've proved I made the wrong choices in this endeavor twice already, and I can't decide where to go from here. I DO know something has to change- my life isn't worth living right now. I can't pretend all of last semester didn't happen, try as I have. It DID happen, it changed me for the better, and now I need to do something. I'm nothing right now but a voice on a blog, a face at school that no one sees.  But, how or what should I change? What can I possibly do to get the good seeds back into my life?

I don't care who you are or what you have to say, just please- help me.
--eibmoZach reyalScott

The Ultimate Fear, the Greatest Evil

Hello, eibmoZach reyalScott here, after a rather long hiatus (oh, who I'm a kidding- no one noticed our absence anyway). So, I realize there isn't anyone who will be reading this, like, ever, but I've felt compelled to write this anyway. First off- our research team is no more. Due to an unforeseen (but entirely cliche) accident, our other research members were lost due to a series of paranormal events involving zombies, said members, and teeth. Lots of teeth. As the sole remaining investigator (read: survivor), I decided it may be time to close our research facilities. Nonetheless, this week I encountered something I felt must be recorded here, in the world of unexplained phenomena. I encountered a beast more ugly than any zombie, more intangible than any ghost, more draining than any vampire, and more bestial than any werewolf.

That monster, so terrible and cruel, is Depression. Before I continue further, here are a few songs to illustrate this creature's affect on its victims. These have not left my head all week- they have haunted my every waking moment, and that terrifies me- never before have songs so intensely matched my state of being. Perhaps spewing them out here will help remove them from my brain.

FALLING-Cryoshell

Lights out, no one here

Hear the silence

Scent of fear

You start running

With mistrusting and skeptical eyes

Are you haunted?

I call out

I'm counting on you

Falling

Is this the end of the line?

And can we make it in time?

Falling

My world is spinning around

I'm crashing into the ground

Falling

Now I need you to see

It's up to you and me

I'm counting on you

All gray

Darkened days

A stone in my chest

The feel weighs me down

I'm counting on you

Falling

Is this the end of the line?

And can we make it in time?

Falling

My world is spinning around

I'm crashing into the ground

Falling

Now I need you to see

It's up to you and me

I'm counting on you

FADE AWAY-Breaking Benjamin

I'm cold and broken
It's over, I didn't want to see it come to this
I wonder if I will ever see your face again
And I know that I will find a way to shed my skin
It's simple- I know that I will suffer in the end
Fast I fade away
It's almost over
Hold on
Slow I suffocate
I'm cold and broken
Alone
It's hopeless, the end will come and wash it all away
Forsaken, I live for those I lost along the way
And I can't remember how it all began to break
I suffer, I live to fight and die another day
Fast I fade away
It's almost over
Hold on
Slow I suffocate
I'm cold and broken
Alone
Now, back to my creature entry. Basically, this has been a cruel, terrible week. As the songs above testify, I'm a wreck. Which is fascinating, because I'm usually pretty resilient to this kind of stuff. When I get negative feelings, they usually never survive in my brain for more than a few days. Yet several times this week, I've felt myself suddenly wish to jump and scream "Dang it Bella Swan, get the heck out of my head!" due to the way I start feeling whenever I have a minute to think. Its like I've been possessed by some angsty, pathetic soul, and it sickens me that I can't get rid of it.
You see, I feel as if I'm a step, a breath, a single move away from falling into a dark and infernal Abyss, a place I had thought I was free from. Months ago, a series of events occurred that helped me climb out of that very same Abyss, out and away from the person I once was. I had never been happier. Now, I'm back on the edge. I am so alone, so isolated, so afraid. There is nobody I can tell any of this to because, put simply, I don't know anyone anymore. The Internet is the only one who will listen.
My family has always known a sturdy, impenetrable, stoic guy who never has problems, so they wouldn't even know how to begin helping me, and all my friends are either gone, no longer friends, or so far away they can't help me. I can't seek professional help or anything like that because I'm so distrustful and incapable of talking about myself to people I don't know really well. Only One person is still there for me, and He seems busy with everyone else's problems.He's there, and it's because of Him that I can even get up every morning, but I need human, earthy assistance, and none is available.
Fortunately, I'm staying above the darkness... for now. I made a solemn oath I'd never fall to the depths again, but oh man am I struggling here. I am the walking dead incarnate, here in person but almost gone inside. Still, as long as I don't check out completely, this is my home, my body. My Hollow self will have to fight me for every scrap of inner being it takes from me, but I'm losing ground ever so slowly.
So, a warning- beware this monster, this demon, this accursed behemoth called Depression. It is, by far, the most dangerous and cruel monster I have yet to encounter, and I've faced and studied more monstrosities than I care to count. Do not seek it out, do not engage it in any way. No stake or silver bullet can take it down. STAY AWAY from it any way you can. Because this creature can do something terrible- it can make you question yourself and see just how vulnerable you are. And that, dear readers, is most terrifying of all.
This is eibmoZach reyalScott, signing out of this facility but not out of my fight. May you all be safe from the monsters of fear, be they real or fantastical. I'm not, not yet.