Utter, Abject Failure

I'm back. Yeah, last post sounded like I wouldn't be posting anymore, but here I am. Of course, considering our total views here at BYUPI are pathetically low and our highest readership is apparently some random guys in Europe, I've pretty much confirmed that no-one's reading these anyway (except you, random European guys- Stay awesome). The unknown readers I DO have are silent (and reside in foreign lands), so with that in mind, I'm secure in writing this post, mostly as a way to sort out my thoughts. And man, do I need to sort them out today.

In one of my classes, we were talking about Alma and the "seed" experiment- that if you give something a chance and it begins to grow, and is pleasant and strengthening, it is a good seed and should be nurtured. Specifically, we talked abut how this applies to more than just the Spirit of God and how it goes for anything else as well.

"Well, Gee," my depressed mind thought- once again getting away from my hold on it and allowing dark despair to swirl within- "That sounds a lot like something that happened last semester. As I recall, I gave someone a chance, went out of my comfort zone and got to know them, even started to hang out with them, and what happened? I made the greatest and closest friend I'd ever had, experienced love for the first time, had some of the best, most amazing, funnest times, and- perhaps most importantly- received the strength I needed to overcome several of my faults and made myself a much better person, free from darkness...Only to have that friend and love torn away, experiences soured, and ability to remain free severely questioned. So much for good seeds."

Such was my line of thought, until suddenly, it hit me. No, she wasn't TORN away, she was PUSHED. The experiences were just as great now as they were when they actually happened, I was just spoiling them MYSELF. Furthermore, my ability to stay above darkness is STILL STANDING, an exclamation point instead of a question.

I am such a fool. I told you all in the last post to stay away from Depression, to never confront it. But I created my Depression! Like Frankenstein before me, I was the mastermind of my own horrors. How? How did I let this happen? I had an amazing, wonderful, glorious seed growing, and I burned it to the roots and salted the ground.

I see now that my actions- or rather, reactions- towards her were completely wrong. I told her to leave me alone, to never talk to me again, when I should have been happy for her! She found something better, something she really wanted, and instead of accepting that my greatest friend, my closest companion and confidant, a person I wanted to be happy above any other things, was making a choice that would allow her to do just that, I allowed jealousy and personal greed to corrupt my decisions. I clung to her and tried to keep her all to myself  and when that didn't work, I tore her out of my life and threw her as far as I could, not knowing she would take most of my insides with her.

Oh, how I deeply regret that now.

Why should it matter who she's with? She was an amazing, wonderful friend, someone I drew great pleasure from just by being around, before we got together. Couldn't I have still enjoyed being her friend if she was with someone else at the time? At least we would be there for each other still. Now I have no one at all except an unread blog, and who knows how she's doing now? For all I know, she's just as depressed and alone as I am, and it would be my fault if she was. That, more than any of my other realizations today, hurts most. Have I wrecked more than one life through my greed? It's quite likely, the more I think about it.

If only I could go back to when she told me about him. I should have smiled, put my arm around her shoulder, and said "Ok. If that's what will make you happy, go for it. I'm still your friend." Dang it all to heck!  All our drama, our separation, our current situation, could have been avoided, and I would still have the best thing that happened in my life with me today. Instead, I clammed up and ran off in a huff, beginning a chain of events that have succeeded in doing nothing but cause everyone I cared about last semester a bunch of pain.

The worst part? I can't explain this to her, can't make amends and try to at least be civil to each other. We can't just start over as acquaintances, because now she won't speak to me- she won't even look at me. My chance to set things right and save our friendship blew up over Christmas Break, when once again, yours truly threw a fit and shut her out. She either can't or won't forgive me, and I have no way of telling her how sorry I am until she does. There is a wall of fire and ice constantly between us.

I miss her. Not our relationship, but HER. I know we can't be what we were anymore, not after all that I've done and her obviously wanting someone better than me, but I wish, with all my heart, that we could just be friends again. I can look back and see all the close friends I've had in my life because I can count them on two hands, and put side by side, I know she was by far the best. Why did I give that up, when such a friend is worth far more than a girlfriend?

I don't know what to do. Please, ANYONE, European or otherwise, what can I do? I can't trust my own perceptions anymore- I've proved I made the wrong choices in this endeavor twice already, and I can't decide where to go from here. I DO know something has to change- my life isn't worth living right now. I can't pretend all of last semester didn't happen, try as I have. It DID happen, it changed me for the better, and now I need to do something. I'm nothing right now but a voice on a blog, a face at school that no one sees.  But, how or what should I change? What can I possibly do to get the good seeds back into my life?

I don't care who you are or what you have to say, just please- help me.
--eibmoZach reyalScott